Money and marriage – the perfect combination to either cause destruction or make a relationship flourish. It took my husband and I eight years before we were on the same page when it came to money. For eight years of our marriage, we would fight about the same things – our spending, savings, and all the surprise packages appearing at our door (sorry again, honey!). I wanted more and he wanted less; I was chasing the next best thing and he was content with the first. Our fights were always the same. When we would encounter what we considered a “large” sum of money, I was already planning on what to spend every cent on. It wasn’t until we came face-to-face with having zero dollars in our bank account that we had to face this problem head-on by coming together to resolve it.
The Truth Hurts
The appearance of success meant more to me than actually being successful. I had to come to terms with this truth, and another one: I was a terrible money manager. Although, this does not mean you can’t become a good one! It just takes time and practice. Before we could make a long-lasting change, I had to swallow my pride and reckon with the fact I was the one causing these issues for our family, so it was up to me to fix them. It is extremely painful to admit when you are in the wrong, yet it was absolutely necessary to begin moving forward. I look at how far we have come now, and I would argue it was the most instrumental step in making a change.
Fight Right
So many times when my husband and I would argue about money it was me vs. him, with one winner and one loser. We were fighting this way for eight years, and somehow thought we would get a different result each time. As the famous saying goes, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” We had to shift our mindsets when it came to talking about sensitive subjects, and money was at the top of the list. Instead of putting on my fighting gear, blue jersey, and helmet to prepare for a battle, I had to do something different: I had to hand him a blue jersey, too. Realizing my husband was not against me when we would talk about money was instrumental to change. It created an environment in which we could both voice our concerns to find a middle ground where we both win, which included bringing our bank accounts together so we had nothing to hide. Note, this is easier said than done.
Spender & Saver
There is always a spender and a saver in a relationship. For you and your partner to move forward and work as a team, you need to understand which one you are. I want to emphasize neither one is worse than the other, as each has a key role to play. As the spender in my relationship, I am the fun, “you only live once” person. My husband is the saver, so he keeps
reality and our future goals in check – I like to call him “the fun police.” All jokes aside, the best way for us to hit our financial goals is to accommodate both the spender and the saver. So, how do we do it?
Dream Date
Once a year, my husband and I will go out on what we call our “dream” date. We go out without the kids and look back on how far we have come and dream about where we want to be in the future. We begin creating smaller goals (one to five years) to get us to where we want to be beyond. We lay everything out on the table, including vacations we would like to take, savings goals we want to hit, and upcoming purchases we think would make our life easier. Then we plan out how we can reach all our goals. This has been the best way for us to both see how much of our goals we are accomplishing and understanding how our needs and wants are being met financially. Additionally, it also keeps us communicating in a healthy way about money. I look forward to this date every year as we keep all our goals reasonable and we make sure each of us holds the other accountable.
Start Now!
Although, I wish we had gotten on the same page with my husband sooner, I’m not sure my stubborn self would have done what I needed to do until I experienced the fear of keeping our lights on. Money can either be a topic of destruction in your marriage or empowerment. This topic alone almost destroyed our family financially because we were not talking about it. Had we not come together as a team, we would not be where we are today!
Your family’s financial future means too much for this to be a subject put on the back burner. Having healthy conversations about money with your spouse takes time and practice. Start small, dream big, and thrive in this part of your marriage. As always, the KerberRose Wealth Management team is here and ready to help you reach any and all of your money goals.
About Alex
Alex is one of our financial wellness advocates on our Wealth Management team. She is a mom of four, and her passion is sharing her own personal finance journey from living paycheck to paycheck and drowning in debt to finding financial peace. Alex's unique experience has given her the ability to help families take control of their own personal finances - all while still enjoying what life has to offer.
Contact: alex.miller@kerberrose.com